My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I told my vodka about you.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Need this in my life lol
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
that lip filler tho