Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
me and my fake scenarios
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
The real reason evolution started..😂
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.