“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Is this you?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”