pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
what the
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.