[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]