This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
it is time once again
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Don’t tell me what to do
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.