[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say