*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no