if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!