Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.