[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”