Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.