Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.