Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.