If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You Might Also Like
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Merry Christmas
You wish you had this many chins.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like