To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*weighs self after shaving
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching