If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
You Might Also Like
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.