my sentiments exactly
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
This makes total sense…
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.