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15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
what’s the point then??
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters