The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.