[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Meowchelangelo
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.