I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“you changed” bro i was 15