every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You Might Also Like
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*struts into the new year
~ trips
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My neck, my back, my…
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.