waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.