First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*