I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
no their not
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for