If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
next question.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.