Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Doctors texting each other.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.