My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“you changed” bro i was 15
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
đź’€
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo