Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish