I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I think this should do it.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?