ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Love this one 😂🧟
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Denise please return my vape pen
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back