[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!