I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever