Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
HERE’S MARKY
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol