No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?