Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
You Might Also Like
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
President The Rock Obama
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures