“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are