My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
haha same
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.