*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
scrabbled eggs
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I feel attacked.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.