Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS