Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
This hospital has everything
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.