Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Well, that didn’t work.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
early stone age tool
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.