Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.