It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
WWE is French for “yes”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.