Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
You Might Also Like
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in