You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
this is the best day of my life
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”