Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Hmmmmm
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
How it started How it’s going
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.