My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.