For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids